Published on April 18, 2025
Dear America,
We adore you the way one adores an over‑caffeinated golden retriever: boundlessly enthusiastic, occasionally chewing the furniture, eternally welcome at the cottage.
Still—someone has to hide the espresso beans before you redesign the Constitution in Comic Sans. For everyone’s safety, Canada is activating Operation: Big‑Sibling Hug (™ pending).
Relax. This isn’t an audit; it’s a polite patch update —think “Ctrl + Alt + Del,” but with mittens.
ARTICLE I – LEADERSHIP 2.0
1.1 Future presidents will be chosen by Rock‑Paper‑Hockey‑Puck. Tie goes to whoever can pronounce “poutine” without Googling it.
1.2 The Oval Office relocates to an ice rink. Whoever reaches the blue line first during Question Period earns the floor. (Filibusters end when the Zamboni appears. 🏒)
ARTICLE II – LANGUAGE, REBOOTED
2.1 Vocabulary upgrade:
- Colour, flavour, harbour.
- It’s “zed,” not “zee.” Repeat: Zed‑Brady‑Bunch.
- “Aluminium” has more syllables than NASCAR laps. Roll with it.
2.2 Mis‑spell “neighbour” and Justin Trudeau confiscates one pumpkin‑spice latte.
ARTICLE III – SPORTS & RECREATION
3.1 NFL = Napping Frequently League. Four‑hour games? Hard pass. Welcome to hockey, where commercials are shorter than the fights.
3.2 Baseball’s “World” Series must invite at least one team from the world. Until then, it’s renamed “Mostly‑United‑States & Occasional‑Toronto Tournament.”
ARTICLE IV – SAFE, SANE & SYRUP‑SOAKED
4.1 Gun trade‑in: swap your Glock for a goose. They hiss, chase joggers, and honestly they’re scarier.
4.2 Universal healthcare arrives Tuesday. Price tag: $0.00 plus tax (also $0.00). In emergencies, dial 911‑EH?
ARTICLE V – CULINARY CORRECTIONS
5.1 Fries + gravy + cheese curds = poutine. Calling it “clogged‑artery stew” is scientifically accurate but emotionally hurtful.
5.2 American “light beer” is now “Gently‑Flavoured Hydration Water.” If you can see through it, you’re doing it wrong.
ARTICLE VI – METRIC MAYHEM
6.1 Miles, Fahrenheit, and football fields convert to metres, Celsius, and “one moose‑length.” Your treadmill will suddenly say you ran 10 kilometres—congrats, new PB!
ARTICLE VII – THE FLORIDA CLAUSE
7.1 Scientists classify Florida as both a peninsula and a mood. It remains a culturally protected safari park. Visitors must carry cheese‑string bribes for rogue alligators.
ARTICLE VIII – SPIRITUAL & EMOTIONAL MAINTENANCE
8.1 Daily Tea‑O’Clock at 16:00 sharp. No phones, no politics—just biscuits and a collective deep breath. Microwaving water = exile to Antarctica (which, fun fact, uses Celsius).
8.2 Each citizen receives a “Sorry Starter Kit”:
- one toque
- two apologies (non‑transferable)
- lifetime access to Gordon Lightfoot’s Greatest Hits
SIGN‑OFF (WITH EXTRA WOW)
America, we’re not here to scold. We’re your spotter while you back‑flip off democracy’s diving board. We’ll keep the water warm, the beer cold, and the jokes gentle.
If you need us? Listen for a loon laughing across a lake at sunrise—that’s us waving.
Yours Truely,
Sir Looniesworth
First Lord of Flannel • High Commissioner of Double‑Doubles • Benevolent Overseer of Your Snooze Button